OUR MISSING BUDGET

‘My friend have you heard the latest drama?’

“Olamide and Don Jazzy? That one na old story. I hear say Nollywood don even produce a new film on am.”

‘No be that one!’

“which one again?”

‘That our N6.08 trillion budget is missing?’

“chisus! How? Where? When?”

‘my friend don’t be a novice. Are we not in the same country? It was technically stolen or removed from the National Assembly.’

“How can that be possible?  With all the security men on ground?”

‘What is not possible in Nigeria? Is not in the same country that some group of girls were kidnapped and nobody knows their whereabouts till date? Is it not in the same country that the association of prostitutes openly endorsed a presidential candidate? It was still in this country that the association of witches and wizards came openly to endorse the president’s anti-corruption war?’     

“Maybe it was the witches and wizards that stole the budget then.”

‘how can they do such a thing when they actually backing the president?'

"hmm, the rate at which thing are missing in this country, let someone not wake up one morning and discover the balls between his legs are missing."

"My dear, i pray for God to save us o! If you have been following this administration you would have noticed that the main problem started after the  April  2015 election. To be frank, APC never had in mind that they were going to win that election. Their plan was to make much noise and cover most of the States for further elections, but when the victory came, it was a big shock to them and there were so many interests. So Buhari had to battle for six month just to constitute a cabinet. Immediately they were constituted, it was time to bring out a budget and i bet you, this government never had a budget. The budget was a default budget. What they did was to doctor Jonathan’s budget and present it to the National Assembly. Even the former CBN governor, Chukwuma Soludo,  has confirmed this.’

 “ You mean they copy and pasted?”

‘well,let put it  more formerly, they plagiarized.’

“that is corruption!”

“No, they do not know. They thought it is only when you still money in government. Corruption is when you use  your position or office to perpetuate evil. It could be stilling, could be plagiarizing, it could be telling lies, etc. and it is everywhere; we work with it, sleep with it, go about with it. It is there in our institutions too. 

“that was really bad. But wait o, how was it possible with the caliber of technocrats, and administrators in this administration?”

‘Name them.’

“You know I am not good at naming names.”

‘That means you live on hearsay like your comrade governor,  THE INTERIM minister of information, who, under the influence of American win and salad, became transformed into Merlin.  Didn’t you read over the news that he said someone told his mother to tell him that Jonathan was the cause of his look? Let me tell you something, there are clear difference between an impostor, an upstart and a true administrator, forget all the noise. There are people who are gifted in noise making and analysis, but put them in test of what they brag about and you will see them shrink. Our two super Ministers who  slept on social media before the elections with dose of paper mark theories can attest to the fact that the lay down theories they gave during the run-up to the elections are not the same with the real practice. Again, that you happened to be a commissioner in one state does not make you a good minister. There are key ministries that should not have been used for political compensation. You cannot put a whole nation's economy in jeopardy just because you want to compensate Baba for historically destroying his party membership card.’  

     “Oh, is that the game? But the woman try na. The budget fine. At least for the first time government will be paying unemployed youths. Do you know I have been rehearsing how I am going to be collecting my own allowi?” I do even tell my people for village say I go get #5,000 employment this year.”

‘ Look, the problem with us Nigerian is that we just jump to dance to a new music anything we here one, even if it is just a remix. What is good about a government funding 35% of its Budget deficit? Which means that the government will borrow 35% of the total amount budgeted, with just 30% for capital project. Even a  trader with a common sense will tell you it is wrong to spend more than your profit.  You have an income of #50 and you want to spend #100 is it not an act of thievery?’ This was a big shock to even IMF and that was the main reason the woman (Director of IMF, Christine Lagarde) had to come in person to tell the administration that she sees no reason why Nigeria would need IMF money at this time, thereby shutting the door for Nigeria to borrow from IMF.  Of course how can you borrow  a man money to go and marry, how will he pay back? And talking about the #5,000 stipend, what is there that we have not had before in a different name?  what about the You-Win Programme in the last administration?  My dear you will end up committing suicide if you are waiting for that money, because before that money will get to you some of these our oga at the top who must have registered 1,000 fictive family members would have had their own share.’

“that is not possible with Sai Baabu. The body language alone will not allow such thing to happen at present.”

‘You mean body odour? Whenever this body odour is mentioned, the feeling or illusions that always come to my mind are the odours of those fish sellers in Orile Market. Or the wheelbarrow pursuers in Oyigbo market. From a mile, one could decipher their line of business and their body odours are so effective that they could kill the most stubborn Lassa Fever.” 

“ NO, I don’t mean that kind of body odour. You self eh! I meant the body language of the man in power.”

‘Ok kk! That body language! Like Fassa odour, rat odour, mouth odour, technical odour.  Does it speak English? Because I am not sure if the body language understand English language. It is not comprehensive and all encompassing.’

“how do you mean?”

“Because the body language could only be interpreted by certain people. While they said the body language has made our moribund refineries to come alive, but the same body language cannot provide us with affordable petrol product. It has also provided us with sustainable power supply, even though it has not added any megawatt for the close to one year now. The odour has technically wiped out corrupt elements, when many are dining in the villa with number of portfolios to their credit.”     

“hmm, it is waa o! but who could have done such a thing? It must be this opposition people. You know them, they are capable of doing anything.”

‘I know, even the Minister of health said Jonathan was the cause of the Lassa Fever outbreak."

"how na? Jona don commot for almost a year na?" 

"That was the same thing i said when i read that. There is no kind of complaint we have not heard from this administration. That is what you get when you have some group of people who feel that there are leading some puny set of monkeys and not humans. They embarrassed Nigerians by defecating in a public place. Instead of them to swallow their prides, be responsible and clean up their mess. This is what Ben Bruce has been shouting. But no, they preferred to play the ostrich and then follow the backdoor. When they discovered that their chance to borrow from IMF for the marriage ceremony budget has been made futile, they  decided to withdraw the budget in order to save their already battered images. but coming opening would have given undue advantage to the opposition. You cannot insult Nigerian in the open and want to apologize in the closet.”

  

“So what did they do?.”

They simply employed the service of their supporters club; the witches and wizard association to technically steal the budget from the National Assembly.’

“withering all the security in place?”

‘yes!’

 “ But wait o, why have they not been able to used this same method  to destroy Boko Haram?”

‘A technical question, but if you ask me, na who I go ask? But there is another twist to the story. That after all the suspense, they have formerly written to the National Assembly to withdraw the Budget.’

“chisus! After all this stress? Why them no write the thing before? What if the witch or wizard wey go follow ceiling go there fall break neck nko or electric shock am die?”

‘Another technical questions.’

“chio! This people good for action film. Make we watch out for part 3!”